Skinship.
Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.
I've been watching too much drama and currently I am watching Clean With Passion For Now, a korean drama. The scene that made me thought of writing here was the scene where the boss offered a hand to his employee. Like, literally. Because the character's actually has a mysophobia. So, it is actually a brave action.
But that is not what I want to highlight. I just want to talk about skinship or actually physical intimacy. ((Skinship is actually a slang, not a real word, I guess.)) Given my condition, I don't really like to touch other people. Well, it is actually the opposite. People do not like to be touch with my hand.
Since childhood, they would always that it was hurt whenever I touch them. Kasar, sakit, geli. And many more other expressions. I hate that because it would lead to another questions like macam mana boleh jadi macam ni, sejak bila, tak sakit ke blah blah blah. I would answer nicely if I am in a good mood but my mood is not always good, rarely good.
I can't even know whether a fabric is soft or not because my hand is always rough. My skin's condition doesn't allow me to do things comfortably. I am always uncomfortable. I can't even touch a little bit of dust. I can't even wash dishes properly without gloves. I can't even drive without feeling annoyed. I can't play my sports without handiplast.
Because my hand stop touching people, I stop giving affection to people. I guess people would not like it if I am being too clingy, too close to them. Not when my skin would hurts them. Because of that, I stop giving any kind of physical intimacy. I don't like to hug, kiss or any more kind of skinship.
I might be living with it for years now, but I can't seem to get used to it. Sometimes, I just really hate my skin. I can't even do simple things without getting hurt. Bayangkan kerja pegang kertas, menanda, angkat barang pun boleh kulit jadi kasar balik. I wonder how it feels to not be thinking about your skin while doing your work. Like it can't bother you. It won't. Nak buka penutup botol pun tak rasa sakit. Makan makanan pedas guna tangan je. Angkat barang pun paling paling tangan kotor je.
I don't know where my writing is going, there's no point. I just want to type about my feelings right now. I feel so insecure that I hate to touch people. I don't even like handshake. I can't even offer helps as it would hurt me.
Would people understand..
Would people stop asking why..
Would people stop saying that they hate it..