Coretan diri sendiri daripada diri sendiri buat diri sendiri.

22 September 2019

Change.

There is nothing in this world that would remain the same.
Everything changes.
Same goes to people.
No, especially people.
In this case, I changed.

Before,
I changed because I wanted to have friends.
If I continue being myself,
I wouldn't have any.

Not talking too much.
Waiting for people to approach me.
Respond when needed (forced).
So, I changed.
I wanted friends.
I talked to people.
I approached people.
I responded to every person in need.
I got friends.

It became routine.
"Hi, how are you doing?"
"Do you want to eat with me?"
"Are you free next weekend?"
"Want to have some fun?"
It was always me.

It became routine.
"Yes, I am good."
"Sorry, I can't."
"I am busy."
"Next time?"
Always rejected.

Time passes,
one by one,
I lost them.
Or did they lose me?

So, I changed,
again.

No more saying hellos.
No more invitation.
No more going out.
No more friends.

I become alone.
I am becoming me,
again.
And that is why,
I don't have any.

Just like this blog is dying, same goes to my heart.
My heart stop going to others.
I don't accept new things and I throw the old ones.
In the past,
I didn't get the same energy.
So why are you blaming me
when I stop giving it?

I am not asking to be understood by people,
I just want to be the one who's being asked, not the one who's asking.
I want to be the one who's being searched, not searching.
I want to be remembered, not forgotten.

When I stop doing the first part, people don't feel weird.
They don't feel any lose.
Because I was never a part of it.
I wasn't in the community in the first place.
I was a like a stray cat that you only see once.
I was like the wind that blows away.
None of it would be remembered, by anyone.
Amanina Mohd Tarmizi -my life-

24 August 2019

Bahasa/Language.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Sekarang ni banyak sangat topik hangat yang diperkatakan di sana sini. Aku pun tak terkejar semua berita. Tapi apa yang menarik perhatian aku, aku bacalah. Antara isu yang umum yang aku agak panas, mestilah mengenai bahasa. Kenapa? Sebab aku suka bahasa. Dan yang paling disayangi mestilah Bahasa Melayu. Melayu ya, bukan bahasa Malaysia.

Setiap orang ada pandangan masing-masing dan apa yang aku cakap dekat sini hanyalah pandangan aku dari ketinggian 1.63m. 

Bagi aku, kenapa aku panggil dia Bahasa Melayu, mestilah sebab itu bahasa yang digunakan oleh orang Melayu. Aku tak kata yang bukan Melayu tak boleh guna tapi mereka ada bahasa mereka sendiri. Kan? Perlembagaan sendiri kata bahasa kebangsaan adalah Bahasa Melayu, tanpa merendahkan bahasa lain.

Jadinya, bila bahasa itu dah jadi bahasa kebangsaan, sebagai seorang warganegara mestilah kena tahu cakap dalam bahasa tu kan. Warganegara. Rakyat Malaysia. Kalau setakat salah tatabahasa tu tak apa lah, jangan sampai tak reti langsung. Sampai tahap orang luar lebih fasih berbahasa Melayu daripada seorang warganegara, tak tahu nak sedih ke nak segan. Kalau bukan kita yang bangga akan bahasa kita, siapa lagi?

Mak aku dari dulu ingatkan dan sangatlah marah kalau markah bahasa Melayu teruk. Yelah, itukan bahasa kita. Bila tengah bercakap pun, mak juga selalu betulkan tatabahasa. Contohnya, perbezaan penggunaan 'dari' dan 'daripada'. Memanglah bila bercakap tu, tak kisah sangat mengenai tatabahasa tapi tak salahkan kalau kita tahu?

Tetapi di sini tidaklah aku melarang nak belajar bahasa lain. Malah lagi digalakkan. Kebanyakan kita pun sememangnya bahasa Inggeris itu adalah bahasa kedua kita. Baguslah kan. Lebih banyak pengetahuan. Lagipun bahasa Inggeris boleh dikatakan digunakan di serata dunia. Tapi saja lah nak ingatkan bahawa bahasa Melayu pernah jadi lingua franca pada suatu masa dahulu. Hebat kan?

Kalaulah orang Melayu digalakkan untuk belajar bahasa lain untuk menambah kemahiran yang ada dalam diri untuk mencari pekerjaan, kenapa ada orang tak belajar bahasa kebangsaan sedangkan orang itu adalah seorang warganegara? Lainlah kalau setakat duduk sementara, kemudian pulang ke negara sendiri atau memang taknak duduk Malaysia dah kan.

Seperti bahasa Inggeris, kita memang dah mula belajar sejak darjah satu. Mungkin sejak di tadika lagi. Baguslah kan. Kita dah terdedah dengan bahasa lain selain bahasa kita sendiri. Dan aku secara peribadi, sangat suka belajar bahasa Inggeris ((tapi lambatlah. Masuk sekolah menengah baru betul betul rasa seronok belajar bahasa Inggeris.)) Setiap orang ada cara belajar dia sendiri. Aku tak pasti aku pernah kongsi ke tak cara aku tapi aku malas nak tulis dekat sini. Kalau ada, bolehlah cari dekat blog ni. Kalau tak ada, minta kemudian hari.

Aku pun ada juga niat nak belajar bahasa lain. Masa awal awal layan anime dan drama Jepun dulu, adalah juga teringin nak belajar betul betul Nihongo. Siap ada buku tulis huruf dalam Katakana dan Hiragana. Malangnya, usaha tak berpanjangan. Itu salah sendirilah. Banyak sangat bagi alasan. Makanya sekarang hanya beberapa perkataan dalam bahasa Jepun sahaja yang aku ingat. Nama sendiri pun dalam Katakana je yang ingat.

Dan disebabkan K-wave yang terlalu hebat, aku pun terkena tempiasnya. Bermula dengan drama Korea yang aku layan sejak 2013, aku pun mula terjebak dalam bahasa Korea. Dari hanya tahu beberapa perkataan yang cliche, aku sekarang bolehlah faham juga bila dengar lagu atau tengok rancangan Korea tanpa sarikata. Tapi taklah sampai faham seratus peratus. 

Aku rasa salah satu kesalahan aku dalam belajar bahasa lain adalah tak ambil kelas secara formal. Masa belajar bahasa Jepun dulu, aku hanya rujuk Internet. Itupun, bila rajin. Kemudian bila dah terjebak tengok drama Korea, terus aku tinggal bahasa Jepun. Yang tu pun aku sekadar berdasarkan pemahaman sendiri. Tapi disebabkan kerap sangat tengok drama, rancangan hiburan dan dengar lagu dalam bahasa Korea, secara teknikalnya bahasa Korea aku lebih bagus daripada bahasa Jepun.

Hendak seribu daya, taknak seribu dalih.

Aku adalah juga menyesal sikit sebab tak pernah nak belajar Mandarin. Tapi tak ada semangat sungguh haha. Itupun awal awal dah bagi alasan. Belum pernah belajar tapi dah kata susah. Payahlah macam tu. Tapi bagi sesiapa yang mula nak belajar bahasa lain tu, semoga berjaya buat anda. Tapi jangan sesekali lupakan bahasa kebangsaan. 

Disebabkan hari ni aku bercakap mengenai bahasa, sajalah aku tulis dalam bahasa Melayu secara keseluruhannya. Perkataan yang dalam bahasa Inggeris tu, aku italic kan. Barulah macam novel kan. ((Bila niat nak buat novel tak pernah tercapai, acah jelah.))

Jadinya, banggalah dengan bahasa kita; Bahasa Melayu. Jangan pernah lupa asal usul. Tapi rajin rajin lah luaskan pengetahuan. 

Sekian pandangan aku yang sedikit jerebu.

Amanina Mohd Tarmizi -my life-

23 July 2019

Skinship.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

I've been watching too much drama and currently I am watching Clean With Passion For Now, a korean drama. The scene that made me thought of writing here was the scene where the boss offered a hand to his employee. Like, literally. Because the character's actually has a mysophobia. So, it is actually a brave action.

But that is not what I want to highlight. I just want to talk about skinship or actually physical intimacy. ((Skinship is actually a slang, not a real word, I guess.)) Given my condition, I don't really like to touch other people. Well, it is actually the opposite. People do not like to be touch with my hand.

Since childhood, they would always that it was hurt whenever I touch them. Kasar, sakit, geli. And many more other expressions. I hate that because it would lead to another questions like macam mana boleh jadi macam ni, sejak bila, tak sakit ke blah blah blah. I would answer nicely if I am in a good mood but my mood is not always good, rarely good. 

I can't even know whether a fabric is soft or not because my hand is always rough. My skin's condition doesn't allow me to do things comfortably. I am always uncomfortable. I can't even touch a little bit of dust. I can't even wash dishes properly without gloves. I can't even drive without feeling annoyed. I can't play my sports without handiplast. 

Because my hand stop touching people, I stop giving affection to people. I guess people would not like it if I am being too clingy, too close to them. Not when my skin would hurts them. Because of that, I stop giving any kind of physical intimacy. I don't like to hug, kiss or any more kind of skinship. 

I might be living with it for years now, but I can't seem to get used to it. Sometimes, I just really hate my skin. I can't even do simple things without getting hurt. Bayangkan kerja pegang kertas, menanda, angkat barang pun boleh kulit jadi kasar balik. I wonder how it feels to not be thinking about your skin while doing your work. Like it can't bother you. It won't. Nak buka penutup botol pun tak rasa sakit. Makan makanan pedas guna tangan je. Angkat barang pun paling paling tangan kotor je.

I don't know where my writing is going, there's no point. I just want to type about my feelings right now. I feel so insecure that I hate to touch people. I don't even like handshake. I can't even offer helps as it would hurt me. 

Would people understand..
Would people stop asking why..
Would people stop saying that they hate it..

Amanina Mohd Tarmizi -my life-

14 June 2019

Exam weæk

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

This semester is ending with another three papers left on Monday, Tuesday and Friday plus one more report to be submitted. Not like my study is ending but how I wish my life is ending. Okay, masuk cerita.

Selasa hari tu, tiba tiba rasa dada sakit. I thought it was just simple things so I just let it away. But it happened continuously until yesterday. So I texted my sister and tell her the story. So she asked me to go to clinic. And I went to pusat kesihatan this morning. 

The doctor said the name of this symptom is Palpitation. He explained to me what it is all about and said that one of the main cause was stress. Indeed I am in examination week so of course I could feel the stress. ((But I refused to agree that I was in deep stress because if I had to compare, last semester's examination was harder but I just nodded in front of the doctor.))

So I asked if there's nothing wrong with me. He said, there is something but it is not dangerous. He even checked my pulse but my heart rate is normal. I checked my pulse twice before coming to the clinic. Last night, I checked it was 92/minute and this morning it was 70something/minute. The moment I stepped out of the pusat kesihatan, it happened again.

At 3pm, I had an exam. It was just a simple subject so I thought I wouldn't be in deep thinking or stress. The examination started. A few minutes after that, my left hand felt numb. I was like oh tolonglah jangan buat hal. And my right had started to shake a little bit. I felt that the oxygen was decreasing. I tried to calm down. 

However, my seat was number three so I was in the first row so I could hear the pengawas peperiksaan berborak and it was so disturbing. I couldn't concentrate. I finished my paper half an hour earlier and went out. I actually wanted to wait for my friend to go back to college together but I suddenly couldn't breathe right. I went to the toilet and gargled. 

After that, I called my sister and I burst into tears. Oh my god I really didn't want to happen because there were a lot of people but I couldn't control myself. So I ride the bus and luckily I brought my sweater; I used it cover my face. My legs were shaking when I went out of the bus. Alhamdulillah I managed to walk properly after that. 

My sister and father asked me to eat (to break my fast) and said that tak payah puasa hari exam. Hahaha I was actually thinking to finish my puasa enam according to the day of my examination because I have 6 days of exam. Since they love me, I had to listen to them hahaha. Oh, I couldn't stop crying for a moment, I was resting for like almost an hour.

....and that was my day. When things like this happened, it makes me thinking why is this happening to me. But of course I don't have the answer. I really don't want to be a burden for anyone but things happen. Few minutes I am the happy aman and few minutes after I am the weak nina. 

I don't know whether I am really sick or I am just pretending to be sick. You know how people died because they THINK that they are going to die? 


Anyway, hope you guys will have a good day instead. 

Amanina Mohd Tarmizi -my life-

12 May 2019

Anger.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

I can't seem to control my anger. Every little things irritated me. The way people talk, the way people respond, the way people communicate. I hate it when people are not trying to understand me. And I hate to expose myself. 

I remember one time when I reflected on myself, I said that if I keep being like this, I won't have friends. Trust me, I am losing some. First, maybe I thought that they didn't think me as a friend. Two, maybe my anger do not allow me to feel comfortable. I feel that I have to take a compatibility test every time I met someone new. 

I had this problem ever since I was small. How did I handle it back then. Back then, I either walk home or went home by bus. So, every time I had a problem, I chose to walk home. It helped me to give me some time away from people, some time to think, some time to reflect on myself. Nothing dangerous could happen. Even if I sweat, I could take a bath and change my clothes when I am home. 

Here, I give a lot of excuses. Panas sangat lah, penat lah. Well the truth is I don't want to get in sweat. Who knows I might need to go out using the same clothes again. And in sweat? Aha no. But I really miss to walk. The moment that I got to be away from people, I like that. That is why I don't mind to go home by bus and train. That 2 hours away from people I know, so precious.

And this is why I said that I won't have friends. Being around people makes me angry and it makes me push away people. I am not even a good friend myself. So I don't put my expectation high about how people look at me. Most people said that aku ni sombong dan menakutkan. Mana taknya, asyik nak marah je. Garang.

Even my friends are afraid of me. I guess I keep them uncomfortable around me. No doubt. 

On other side, I want to share what I did yesterday. Well, I did nothing other than imagine. But the imagination was so vivid. I cried after that. Was that even me.. I had a thought to cut myself. Luckily I was far from my scissors and my roommate came in time to make me erase the imagination. I am in a great stress. I have no support. Everyone has their own priority. Why would they bother to check on me. I don't even check on people. 

I just want to disappear. 

Amanina Mohd Tarmizi -my life-

08 May 2019

Peace in Ramadan.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Today is the third day of Ramadan, fourth night of terawih. Again, fasting away from home really makes me skinnier haha as I don't really eat for sahur (I only drink water) and not eating too much during iftar and moreh as I don't really like to spend money kahkah. However I am still thankful that I have friends that always offer foods. Sharing is caring ehe.

As for my personal opinion, I don't really realize that it is already Ramadan. I was like "eh dah puasa." I don't really feel the vibe coming. And the announcement for Ramadan was late this year, we need to wait like 1-2 minutes before Isyak. My mom already asked me to get ready for terawih but I was still waiting for the announcement. 

Coming back to ukm on the first day of Ramadan hit me, "ah, betullah puasa" haha. But there is something that really made me really realize it is Ramadan. Here's the story.

This semester is really hard for me. Everything is a mess and all over the place. Bunch of assignments which are not yet done and some that haven't started yet. I was really stress. This semester also allows me to meet with people who really like to "last minute." And some are not giving full cooperation. And also the problem I mention in last post. Everything hit me at the same time and I was really down.

Nothing can make me feel calm. Even when I am at home, there is always things that makes me think. Oh yeah, not to mention that I fought with my group mates during midnight. I was full with anger. Lots of work but I don't even know which want or how to do. 

And suddenly it is Ramadan..

I feel so calm. Nothing makes me boil. Even though there is no assignment done yet, but suddenly the stress is not there. Disappear. I still have many things to do; to interview a company, lots of report, homework. But none of that really make me want to kill myself. I can still laugh about it with others. I still can mention about it without tears ((a reminder that I am cengeng haha)). 

I really like this vibe. I really hope it will continue until the last day of Ramadan as my semester is ending with Ramadan this year. A reminder for myself that my study week is on raya week aha aha what is raya. Anyway, I really hope this situation will remain the same forever, how i wish. As a gelabah person, I really don't like myself when I am overthinking. Like kenapa nak kena fikir bukan bukan ish.

Last but not least, I really hope that my assignments will be done few days before due date as I hate last minute things. And I hope I can remain calm for the rest of my life.

Amanina Mohd Tarmizi -my life-

29 April 2019

Disappear.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Being a person who always forget people's names, always make me look like I don't care about people around me. I even forget my teachers' names. I even forget about small things. You know how people are saying 'what goes around, comes around?' I don't know whether I am being sensitive by my own or anything, I don't care. 

I am being forgotten. Suddenly it reminds me about my old post. I hold nothing special in people's lives. I am easy to be thrown away. Nothing really matters if I suddenly disappear, no one will know. How I wish I can quit all social medias but it is my news source and also platform for me to communicate with my family.

Nothing is more important other than my family right now. But I don't have the courage to tell them everything. Outcast? That's how I describe myself. They don't even realize if I am not there. Even if I die.....

I know this is ridiculous. Me myself find this so funny. Like, people don't even care about me and why should I bother typing this here. I just want to say that I would like to stop temporarily from social medias. Maybe not fully, because that's where I get to know about world. But I would like to try. 

Stop telling people what am I doing. Stop sharing my own feeling at the moment. Stop liking people post. Stop agreeing with anything. Stop doing something that would make me hurt. I cried a lot already. People don't even care whether I am upset or angry. Those emotions are not valid anymore. 

I don't know whether I should continue my short story on Instagram. I don't feel like to do it anymore. Maybe when the time comes, I will do it. For now, my mind want to get some rest. Maybe the story will be not posted on Friday, I will try to do it on Saturday. 

People stop showing interest. People moved on. People are living in the moment, in the present. I am stuck in the past. I live in the world where I want to live. But that's not where other people live in. I cannot satisfy people and people cannot satisfy me. We don't belong to each other. In real life, in social media. Gotta put on my mask when I go out. That is not the real me. I don't even know which one is me.

If they need my help, I am here. I am not going anywhere but they cannot find me. How fascinating. 'aku ada bila perlu.' I don't know for how long I will last with that motto. I just want this world to come to an end. I am sick. I am done. 

Since I am leaving my social medias, I guess I will be here a lot. It is nice to talk to myself, to express myself. I know no one is here. I guess the real me want to just be like words. People are using it everyday, they are not forgotten. 

That's all. 

Amanina Mohd Tarmizi -my life-

16 March 2019

Silent.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Niatnya nak tulis malam tadi tapi habis je tengok drama, wifi pula tak boleh connect. Makanya tertunda. Bukan apa, kalau tulis waktu malam ni sebenarnya lagi feel. Tapi tak apa, sementara feel tu ada lagi, di sinilah saya. 

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I even went to meet a counselor. Tak ada lah rasa diri ni ada masalah sangat tapi aku rasa aku perlukan tempat untuk cerita. Duduk je bilik berdua tapi macam duduk sorang. Aku terperangkap dalam satu tempat yang aku banyak habiskan masa dengan berdiam diri. 

Jadinya aku banyak tengok phone, social media, youtube. Whatsapp? Tak ada bunyi. Orang biasa kata, tak salah kita yang approach orang dulu, tegur kawan tanya khabar apa semua. Tapi jenis aku ni, aku suka lepak. Maksudnya kalau dah lama tak jumpa, aku suka jumpa sambil makan. Bagi aku makan bersama tu sangat lah tinggi ertinya. 

Tapi biasalah, semua orang busy. Aku tak boleh nak fikir diri aku je. Tapi disebabkan banyak jawapan 'tidak' daripada 'ya', aku jadi hilang harapan. Jadi akan ada masa bila semua free, aku pula yang rasa tak nak pergi. Not saying that I'm good tapi aku jarang tolak ajakan unless betul betul taknak atau ada hal atau sakit. Aku wonder how people are so good sampaikan diorang tak terasa kalau ada orang tolak ajakan. Aku rasa aku ni sensitif tahap menyusahkan orang.

How people are so forgiving or actually don't care about simple things, aku jealous. Aku ni cepat sangat terasa. Dan aku bukan jenis yang bagitahu orang aku terasa. Aku tahu benda tu toksik sebenarnya, perangai macam tu. Aku cuba untuk buang perangai tu tapi biasanya tak lama lah. Sampai satu masa, datang balik perangai tu. Jadi benda tu aku simpan, aku pendam.

You know how people would be so happy bila ada orang post pasal dia, macam orang tu let people know yang dia tu bermakna dalam hidup dia. I wonder why that particular person never post anything about us tapi kalau dengan orang lain, berderet postnya. Nampak tak, benda bodoh juga aku fikir.

You know how people say that money can't buy happiness. Tapi aku jealous tengok orang yang selalu keluar dengan kawan kawan, makan sana sini, enjoy beraktiviti. Aku rasa aku hilang satu keseronokan sebab aku asyik fikir yang aku tak mampu. I could easily spend my money on food tapi untuk pergi dapatkan makanan tu pun satu kos, jadinya mostly aku memang harapkan makanan dalam universiti semata mata. 

Bagi aku, aku yang rosakkan diri aku sebenarnya. Aku tak nak lah contact kawan aku semata mata nak cerita benda yang berulang, yang sebenarnya diri aku tak nak buat perubahan. Aku rasa diri aku ni tak berguna. Aku tak dapat nak tolong orang, family aku sendiri. Aku tak ada apa apa specialty. Kerja aku menyusahkan orang je. Banyak menghabiskan duit. Dapat kemudahan, bukan reti nak bersyukur.

Aku terperangkap dalam tempat yang aku kena berdiam diri buat satu tempoh yang lama. Nak jumpa orang, orang semua ada hal. Aku tak ada ramai kawan. Aku diam. Kalau dulu, setiap kali aku rasa apa apa, mesti aku tulis. Tapi sampai satu tahap, aku tak nak ada orang tahu aku rasa. Gila. Nak perhatian tapi tak nak bagitahu orang. Aku nak tulis dekat sini pun aku fikir banyak kali, perlu aku cerita dekat sini, perlu ke aku taip. Bukannya boleh selesai masalah.

Tapi aku rasa aku tulis bukan sebab nak selesai masalah. Aku tak ada tempat. Aku rasa nak lari. Aku nak hilang. Apa rasanya bila orang dah tak perlukan kita.. 

I miss my home. 

Amanina Mohd Tarmizi -my life-

04 February 2019

ARMYs.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Bagi manusia yang mempunyai twitter, mesti tahu masalah biasa yang jadi dekat twitter kan. Bila seseorang post pasal sesuatu, mesti ada je these people yang stan kpop reply dekat tweet tu. Padahal tak ada kena mengena dengan tweet tu langsung. And mostly yang banyak kena ARMY. Tak kata stan lain tak buat tapi yang banyak kena kecam, tetap yang tu lah.

First of all, to clarify, I am one of the kpoppers. Not kpoopers eh. I do listen to korean songs, like lots of it. Multifandom, to be exact. And yes, I stan BTS too. I do listen to English and Malay songs too. I do watch dramas too, lots. Makanya pandangan ni bukan lah sekadar untuk menyalahkan sesiapa hihi.

Aku faham atas dasar apa orang orang marah fan ni. Sebabnya, diorang kaitkan benda yang tiada kaitan. Contoh kalau ada gambar aiskrim pun, mesti diorang akan kaitkan dengan artis kegemaran diorang dan kebiasaannya dengan tweet;

Anyway, stan blablabla.

Like no?? We are talking about an ice cream, not about your faves. Kan? Biasanya macam tu. Ataupun ada gambar artis lain, tetiba reply semua pasal diorang punya faves. Like no?? We are not talking about that now. Basically, semua benda macam tu lah. Bila ada benda yang boleh kaitkan dengan artis diorang, mesti duk semak dekat reply orang tu.

Yang paling tak tahan kalau reply dekat tweet pasal kematian ke apa ke;

Stan blablabla!!  

Hidup mati bukan boleh buat mati and yet diorang buat macam tu. Tapi bila orang kutuk faves sendiri, tahu pula marah. Suruh minta maaf bagai semua, huh. Ha, sama lah kan perasaannya.

SO, it supposed to go like this;

To any fandom: It is not wrong for you people to like kpop, jpop or anything tapi tolong respect orang lain. If you want to talk about kpop ke apa, do it in your own community. Kalau ada geng nak bercakap pasal benda tu, so you kan talk to them. Bukannya kacau orang yang tak ada kaitan. Lepastu paksa orang suka apa yang kau suka? NO. Kau sendiri pun ada benda yang kau tak suka dan kau pun tak suka kalau orang paksa kau untuk suka benda tu kan? Sama lah untuk orang lain. They don't like it so don't force them. Kalau nak tweet pasal benda tu, you can do it on your fan account? Kalau tak ada fan account, then just do what you want tapi jangan semak dekat tweet yang tak ada kaitan dengan your own faves. Like pls, mind your own business kalau tak nak orang kutuk pasal benda tu. Kalau ada orang minta recommend lagu ke apa, you just recommend. Don't ask people to stan them. You know why? People might get into the fandom because of the singers but your attitude also contributes. Kalau orang tu tak suka cara kau suruh dengar lagu tu, they might not even listen to it. Tak payah paksa orang untuk stan. They can like it if they want to. Got it?

To people who are not in the fandom: I know, you guys don't like it. First thing, jangan duk kata benda yang orang minat tu entah apa apa. You have your own favourite things kan? And you yourself tak suka kalau orang mengata yang bukan bukan pasal you punya minat. So, brush it off. And kalau kau jumpa kawan yang duk tweet pasal benda tu and you don't like it, just mute. Kalau dia ada kacau dekat kau punya reply pasal suruh stan benda benda tu, yes I get it, you have a point to feel mad tapi kalau dia tak kacau, just mute lah tweet dia. Tak ada benda pun nak gaduh. Just stay away from the community. Kalau langsung tak suka, you are not even supposed to talk about it. UNLESS community tu sendiri yang cari pasal. Then I have nothing to say. 

Anyway, to both kind of people, mind your language. Kita ni semua sama je, manusia. Sama sama lah jaga perasaan masing masing. Kalau kita tak suka dipaksa, kita pun jangan paksa orang. Orang tak kacau kita, kita jangan kacau orang. And pls, to everyone, jangan nak kutuk sangat lah artis. Tak kisahlah dalam negara ke, luar negara ke. Diorang tu manusia juga. Kau ada perasaan kan? Diorang pun ada. Ingat tu.

Last message to fandom;
NOT everything evolves around you, your community and your faves. Orang pun ada life juga. Bukan 24/7 boleh cakap pasal benda tu. Like I said, do it in your fandom. Tak ada orang akan marah. Trust me. Korang ingat artis tu bangga lah korang buat perangai tak serupa manusia? Aha, funny. I am not saying all fans are like that but for people out of the community, kerana nila setitik, rosak susu sebelanga. Faham kan. Be smart. Be loud in the fandom, chill outside the community. Then tak ada orang akan rasa tak puas hati dengan kau. 

Last, stay away from problems guys. Twitter tu kalau boleh jaga lah ayat. You don't want your future employer become your ex employer ;)

Amanina Mohd Tarmizi -my life-

28 January 2019

Buli.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Wujud lagi ke budaya membuli ni? As much as I want to deny it, masih ada budaya ni. Kalau yang ada twitter tu, mungkin baru baru ni ada jumpa satu video ni; senior suruh junior bawa baju dia, letak dalam loker dia, dengan gaya cakap yang langsung tak berhemah. 

Minta tolong? That's not how you do it. Ada kawan kan? Minta lah tolong kawan yang katanya sehidup semati. Kalau ya pun minta tolong junior, buka begitu caranya bercakap dengan anak orang. Ada yang balas video tu kata bergurau. Aha bro, kalau budak tu terluka, itu bukan gurau. Damn.

The reason I want to talk about this topic is because of my brother. Siapa je suka tengok adik beradik sendiri kena kan. Walaupun dia tak kena secara fizikal, kata kata yang dikenakan pun menyakitkan. Aku tahu bukan dalam kalangan lelaki je yang kes buli ni tapi apa yang aku nampak, majoritinya lelaki. 

Kalau perempuan, biasanya buli ni pasal physical appearance atau rasa tak puas hati pasal satu satu benda. Kalau lelaki, aku tak tahu. Tapi sebagai seorang perempuan, benda benda macam ni buatkan aku lagi takut nak berdepan dengan lelaki. Tambah dengan kata kata yang tidak sedap untuk didengari, pergh.

Kalau perasan, kebanyakan orang dekat twitter, facebook, instagram, ramai je yang buat buli siber. Macam mana eh korang boleh selamba reply status/caption/tweet orang dengan ayat yang kurang ajar? 

Suara kau bukannya sedap pun, stop lah.
Muka dahlah tak lawa.
Ala kau tu dahlah gelap.
Kau gemuk, diam.

...termasuklah mencarut. Aku speechless sebenarnya pasal benda ni. Sebab aku pernah kena cyber bully, and of course, aku masih trauma. Aku tak tahu siapa orang tu sampai sekarang but to that person, please live in fear. 

Dan kepada yang rasa nak cuba cuba membuli, buang lah rasa tu. Yang sedang membuli, semoga Allah berikan hidayah kepada korang. Anak orang tu, bukannya watak kartun. Kalau kau fikir kau ada perasaan, budak yang kau buli tu pun ada perasaan. Dunia ni, bukannya kau punya. Ambik roda, pusing pusing. Jangan sampai kau yang ada dekat bawah nanti. Masa tu baru nak menyesal? Aku gelak dari jauh.

Sorry sis emotional sikit cakap pasal benda ni. Cakap berdasarkan pengalaman. Dan aku taknak ada yang rasa benda ni. Serious talk, tak best rasa ni. Nak tahu kenapa suicide rate makin tinggi? Sebab adanya orang orang yang berfikiran cetek yang tak fikir perasaan orang lain, sebab benda tu tak kena dekat diri sendiri. Sebab? Sebab diorang rasa diorang tu bagus sangat. Sesuka hati kutuk orang sana sini. Weh, kau tu sama je, makhluk Tuhan juga. Ingat sikit. Kita semua ni hamba je. 

Kalau cakap baik baik pun tak lut, nak cakap macam mana lagi kan. Semoga terhapus lah budaya buli ni. Seriously, aku benci pembuli.

Amanina Mohd Tarmizi -my life-