Afraid of myself.Assalamualaikum warahmatulahhi wabarakatuh.
As the days past, i'm getting afraid about my changes. I felt it. I need to share it. But, since no one is listening, as no one is listening, because no one is listening, i really feel the need for me to write it out.
I know myself. I can't do three things simultaneously. It only makes me stress and buat tambah uban je. But that is what exactly i am doing right now. I need to study, i need to help for sukan, and i am a part of dinner team. Other people might find it just simple things that we go through in university life. Well i guess it is true.
But here we must remember that everyone is different. And for me, to do those things at the same time is really stressing me out. You know what i am most afraid of? I might find it is tiring to study. Last monday, i had a quiz. And i barely knew the answer. Luckily at least i answered half of it correctly. I felt so stu P I D.
And all these things actually lead to another thing. I am easily annoyed with people nowadays. Every single little things makes me mad. I guess the problem is me but i can't control it. Dah senang sangat breakdown kan, padan muka. I am getting lazier, day by day. At times, i just want to lay in my bed and not doing anything. Like really nothing. This evening, i only stared at ceiling and wall. And cried.
I guess i am only fit only for studying. I can do nothing aside from study. And i need to do one thing at one time. Tapi bila dah banyak sangat buat benda lain, mula lah fikir macam macam. You read the recent survey about suicide? I am one of the teenagers who had thinking about suicide. I only had a thought about it, not that i am brave to anything to my own body. Overthinking does kill.
If you quit, you have nothing. Keep going.Two quotes which keep me alive. I know it is better for me to share it to people, like what i used to say before this. Reach out and everything. But as i experienced this kind of things myself, it is really not that easy. I don't want people to think that i am a burden and i don't want to burden them. Siapalah aku ni nak menyemak dalam hidup orang.
I live because I can't die.
I think the thing that i need the most right now is attention. But i can't beg for it. Everyone is busy. I don't want to be so clingy. Semua orang ada hal sendiri. Takkan asyik nak mengadap perangai aku je kan. And i think, kalau aku stress, aku ni nampak macam menyusahkan. Like 'just stop being stress' lah. Kalau aku mampu tak stress, ingat aku nak? Ketahanan aku bukan macam orang lain.
People might say yang boleh je aku nak membebel dekat social media kan, ramai je yang buat. But no, my social media isn't really private. My siblings can read everything. It is just a bother for me kalau nak buat untuk close friend bagai semua tu. So i end up kongsi cerita dekat orang yang spesifik. Tapi macam yang aku cakap, semua busy. So i bottled up everything. EVERYTHING.
Dada aku rasa sesak gila sekarang. I can say that i cry almost everyday. And i can't even tell anyone. Or i had to control so that my tears won't go down when i am at public. I lost interest to do so many things. Drama doesn't really entertain me anymore. Music is just there to keep me accompany when i am alone. Social medias are getting weird and i keep seeing the same things.
And yeah, my home isn't really harmony. I am afraid that i might go to the next step of depression. Pay attention to things that i post online. It might sounds like i am joking or like i created a story. Tapi mungkin benda tu hanya boleh aku post online kalau aku cakap benda tu tak real atau benda tu bukan pasal aku. I might lie because i don't want people to find out but it might actually what i am thinking of.
To love myself is hard when i have so much obstacles. I once love myself, but i lost it. So i keep on crying, waiting for that feeling to come back, but i am the one who needs to find it, right? Can i love myself, again?