Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.
I can't seem to control my anger. Every little things irritated me. The way people talk, the way people respond, the way people communicate. I hate it when people are not trying to understand me. And I hate to expose myself.
I remember one time when I reflected on myself, I said that if I keep being like this, I won't have friends. Trust me, I am losing some. First, maybe I thought that they didn't think me as a friend. Two, maybe my anger do not allow me to feel comfortable. I feel that I have to take a compatibility test every time I met someone new.
I had this problem ever since I was small. How did I handle it back then. Back then, I either walk home or went home by bus. So, every time I had a problem, I chose to walk home. It helped me to give me some time away from people, some time to think, some time to reflect on myself. Nothing dangerous could happen. Even if I sweat, I could take a bath and change my clothes when I am home.
Here, I give a lot of excuses. Panas sangat lah, penat lah. Well the truth is I don't want to get in sweat. Who knows I might need to go out using the same clothes again. And in sweat? Aha no. But I really miss to walk. The moment that I got to be away from people, I like that. That is why I don't mind to go home by bus and train. That 2 hours away from people I know, so precious.
And this is why I said that I won't have friends. Being around people makes me angry and it makes me push away people. I am not even a good friend myself. So I don't put my expectation high about how people look at me. Most people said that aku ni sombong dan menakutkan. Mana taknya, asyik nak marah je. Garang.
Even my friends are afraid of me. I guess I keep them uncomfortable around me. No doubt.
On other side, I want to share what I did yesterday. Well, I did nothing other than imagine. But the imagination was so vivid. I cried after that. Was that even me.. I had a thought to cut myself. Luckily I was far from my scissors and my roommate came in time to make me erase the imagination. I am in a great stress. I have no support. Everyone has their own priority. Why would they bother to check on me. I don't even check on people.
I just want to disappear.
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